Friday, May 26, 2006

Advice for Lay and Skilling

I'm a doctor, never been a prisoner. However, I've taken care of plenty of ex-prisoners, future prisoners, and prisoners. Therefore, I feel I am as able as anyone to give some advice.

First of all, Mr. Lay and Mr. Skilling, you done bad. And as bad as you done, you will receive it. My normal advice is to avoid prison at all costs. You guys fucked that one up already by not only breaking the law, but by getting caught. But it is not too late to make a run for it. You have tons of money. A tent in Mongolia beats the hell out of hell. And a boat going nowhere is even better. Granted, you loose your bail money, but from what I've seen, 5 mil is a small price to pay.

So let's say the feds meet you at the dock. Now what? It is called prison.

Here is my advice:

Prepare. Mr. Skilling: look into the mirror. You look like you just swallowed tweety bird. Someone is going to use their penis to wipe off that smirk unless you excercise some control here. Get rid of it. Mr. Lay? You look weak. Sorry, you just look like a pussy. Guys, get hard. Hard in face, hard in mind, hard in body. Lift some weights during appeal so that you are mean and strong. Or at least appear to be.

Upon entering prison, you will be shocked. Do not show this. Do not regard people who yell at you, who taunt you, who throw things at you. Be strong during this time because first impressions go a long way.

Upon the first challenge: someone will try to do something to you. Steal your food, shoes, flick your ear, it doesn't matter. You must immediatly try to hurt that person. Even if that person is 6'7 and 300 lbs of muscle. Because everyone else is watching. If they see you cave in and allow this something to occur with no fight, then you become a target to all of them. There is always an easier target somewhere. Same goes with rape.

Roomates. The odds are actually pretty good that your roomate is going to be stupid, harmless, and addled by drugs - more on that later. Make friends with this person.

In case of a riot, lock yourself in somewhere safe.

Do not get ill, need dental work, or get injured. Prison hospitals are next to morgues without a dividing wall. If things get too much, learn how to fake a seizure.

Do not do drugs while in prison, that gets a lot of people into trouble.

Get God. Good job Mr. Lay, for already latching onto this like a baby onto a nipple. God will not help you in prison, but this god delusion is shared by members of the criminal class and might make you some extra friends you didn't have before. But do not bad mouth Allah.

Use your strength. Sure there are guys in prison who would gut you like fish out of spite, but these are rare, even in jail. Most people in prison are the stupid ones: they got caught, just like you. And most are in jail for drugs related offenses. Putting this together, most prisoners are stupid drug addicts. They need drugs, they like drugs. And you know what? Money buys drugs. Bribes. You guys are still way rich. Spread this around, but don't be too open about it. This is a terrible balance. Because as soon as you start paying protection money, then they will bleed you dry of money. Good thing you have a lot of it.

Do you know how much Guards make? Well let me tell you that they can make more than pediatricians with overtime and they never had to do a residency: up to and over 100K a year. This is not to say that all of them do that well. I know that doesn't seem like a lot to either of you, and you would be correct in thinking that for an extra amount of money, they might actually keep an eye on what goes on in the showers.


Another thing to consider is to change your names and become black or hispanic or asian and join a gang. Too late for that?

You guys are really fucked, so remember the tent.


Blogger marybishop said...

And somehow I cannot generate a single tear for these two...

5:58 AM  
Anonymous dr peg said...

I have a cynical feeling they aren't going anywhere near a "real" prison. They'll probably be in one of those low security country club type places.

Or maybe I'm too pessimistic.

8:16 PM  
Blogger Jackie said...

nah you are probably right.
but maybe martha can give them tips to get through it.

12:21 PM  

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