Sunday, January 01, 2006

Bush Resolutions

I happened upon this when a list of Bush's 2006 resolutions fell off his desk, got swept up by an illegal immigrant, and deposited in my office mailbox. Without further ado, here is the transcript as I found it:

My resolutions, by George W Bush.

1. Was speaking to Zalmay Khalilzad the other day. I call him Zanny Zal Khalbob. He's telling me about 6 billion dollars spent per day or per week or something like that, failed energy department this, failed police that, insurgent attacks increasing from 30 to 100 per day, happy Iranian Islamofascists, and failed US geopolitical objectives. Resolution number one: stop talking to Zanny Zal Khalbob. Resolution number next: failing that, fire Khalbobo but award him Medal of Freedom (which still won't get him into heaven because he's a Moslem).

2. Was on vacation over the last week while US problems grew. When I'm on the job, US problems grow. When I'm on vacation, US problems grow. So they grow, in what you could say, irregardlessness of me. Why don't people get that? Resolution number 2: take more vacation. Resolution number 2A: have shill ask me about that point in an unscripted town hall meeting.

3. Katrina revealed deep levels of incompetence within my administration to public perception. These deep levels of incompetence stretched all the way throughout the chain of command and the perception is that they included me. When the next disaster comes, we need to change this. Resolution number 3: ban media reporting of disasters. In fact, with Judy Miller, who I call 'I'm at your Tiller Miller,' gone, we're gonna need to put more of these journalists on the payroll.

4. This Plame scandal thing has broughten shame upon my administration. I need to fix that. Resolution number 4: find a scapegoat for the Plame scandal thing - like Miers – she’ll take it, again, and she'll like it.

5. Social security crisis, or at least I was told it was a crisis. Hum... Resolution number 5: follow up on crisis after vacation.

6. Popularity. After 911 I was popular. Everyone liked me. Even the cool senators. Resolution number 6: appear to be effective in another emergency that I failed to prevent. Note: ask Cheney to devise a problem I could solve. (Is gay marriage still a problem?)

7. Every time I turn on the news I seem to hear about 'no ties between Saddam and 911.' 'No WMD in Iraq.' Didn't I say there were ties and WMD? Resolution number whatever: edit that out when I said there were. Delete keys. See above on those journalists.

8. This wiretap scandal thing. It is so wrong for someone to have every word recorded for future reference. Resolution next: no more press conferences or talks with my media buddies. And no more talking where I go on record with no prepared vague speeches about 'freedom' and 'victory' and 'peace' and 'war on terror.' In fact, I'm going to be as quiet as a 'church' mouse except when I have to scapegoat some intern or Miers for Plame scandal thing.

9. Iraq is such a drag these days. Nothing but failure. After I stop talking to Khalzibobo it’s still going to be bad. I can't stop those damn Intel briefings that keep telling me what a mess I've made of things over there. Resolution number I think we're on number 4: find scapegoat for Iraq and make them deal with it. Like my boy Rumsfeld. Or my father. My real father (Jesus, I love you).

10. When I came to office I had grand hopes that education would be an important part of my, what you would call, legacy. It is supposed to be important, but I keep hearing that China, France, Germany, and Cuba are kicking our behinds on school tests. Resolution: import students from these countries and make them live in the land of freedom. Resolution E (for education) - dash - b: export American children to Cuba and France and make them live there, particularly anyone who might grow up to vote for democrats.

11. Bin Laudin is still on the FBI's most wanted list. In fact, he's number 2! Right behind some other evil doer who's free to come and go as he pleases. Instead of focusing on my failures, let's focus on what's going right in the war on evil. Resolution next: replace Bin Laudin with a terrorist we've already captured, like Cindy Sheehan.

12. My stock portfolio is doin' fine, thanks to the rising fortunes of Halliburden and oil. However, I look at my assests and I don't see enough diversification into China - and they now own more of America than Americans do, while the dollar is gonna tank like a Sherman. Resolution number I think 5: invest more of my money into the Chinese Yen.

13. Back to Iraq. I like seeing those funny looking brown people vote. Resolution 8: Hold monthly Iraqi votes. Let's let some freedom ring in that godforsaken hellhole.

14. Democrats are pretty horrible. Resolution 9: can I do anything about that?

15. OK. Terry Schrivo, who I call TS (that stands for Totally Screwed). That was a big mistake. Resolution number 10: never get up at 2 AM again for ANYBODY. It really cuts into my workouts.

16. So I admit it: McCain may know something about torture. AND he's against it. Resolution number 11: challenge that McCain to a mountain bike race to settle this thing once and for all (make sure you beat him - weren't his legs broken - make sure his bike sucks anyway).

17. Speaking of torture: these so called secret overseas prisons in Poland do seem bad when they are no longer secret. Resolution number 12: keep secret overseas prisons secret! In fact, the first rule about secret prisons is that you don't talk about secret prison torture. Resolution number 12S: send that on memo to staff.

18. My buddies are my buddies. My buddy's buddies are my buddy's buddies. We're all going to heaven anyway through Christ's love (so what I call these 'worldly things' we do now don't really matter). And yet some evil doers would call my buddy's buddies cronies. Resolution number 13: Invest some startup money to Brownie's new disaster business - God knows they'll be plenty more disasters. God knows this because I know this.

19. Smearing enemies has worked for me before. Let's see, there's McCain. Gore. Kerry. Resolution number 14: let's start smearing Bill Clinton. I'm sure something will go wrong that we can blame him for. And that could come in handy.

20. Russia is more of a dictatorship than ever. Iran is evermore islamofascist as it drools over Iraq, which isn't even making oil these days. Yemen is a country with a funny name that we could make fun of, and where I think Bigfoot lives. North Korea is a evil doer. All those places where tyranny is on the march. Meanwhile, what you could call 'my diplomacy,' has failed about 300% when it comes to Latin America. That, even though I am what you would call 'fuerte hablo espanol' and it hasn't stopped me from failing, even with these, our brown and short brothers in Christ (by way of the false path of the papists). Resolution number 10: no need for me to learn Russian for the USSR, Moslem for Iraq, or Asian for North Korea - so scratch this resolution off the list already!

And those are my top ten resolutions for the great year of our lord in Christ's 2006, and my 6th year of sovereignty over the great free land of the Americas, may god greant her what I call 'victory,' 'peace,' and 'war on terror,' forever.

Bonus resolution: I figured out how to get out of Vietnam, so I'm sure as heck gonna figure out how to get out of Iraq. Resolution B (that does what you would call 'stand' for 11): send other people to stay the course, I need the vacation time.


Blogger acumamakiki said...

Very clever and God's word accordingly.

4:58 AM  
Blogger marybishop said...

Hilarious! Loved your Bushie grammar and syntax!

(I am laughing on the outside but crying on the inside...can't we impeach him? or impair him?)

12:59 PM  
Blogger laurenbove said...

Nice satire Doc! Very pithy.

10:22 AM  

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