Sunday, April 03, 2005


So the other day the pope goes to heaven. For the first time in a long while he is able to stand straight up, not shake, and is able to talk. He's obviously very relieved.

He pokes his head out of his house, which is a bit of a step down from his old room in the Vatican, but perfectly acceptable. His street reminds him pleasantly of his home town, where he grew up, so he goes outside. He remembers that there used to be a fruit stand on the corner of his town, and, sure enough, there is the fruit stand almost exactly as he remembers it. He picks up an apple, feels its firmness, but selects a peach, wondering again at how young his hands look. The peach feels perfect.

He looks at the fruit seller and it's a man who is instantly recognizable to the pope, Jesus. He has the beard. The sad, yet knowledgeable eyes, and the great abs. It can only be God's son. The pope falls to his knees as he says, "My lord, Jesus."

"No. I am not your lord." Jesus says the words just like the pope always imagined, full of kindness and strength and peace, as he reached down to help the pope to his feet.

The pope regained his footing and felt awed again, "You may not like me to kneel before you, but you are my lord. I've worshiped before you, prayed to you, and loved you all my life. Simply because I am now in heaven will not stop this."

Jesus regarded him with his kind eyes. "You have worshiped me, I have heard your prayers, and I have felt your love. I know this. I am God's son and I am God. But you should know that I am also a man. And men change. You know me as I was when I was 30 years of age. It's been 2000 years since then."

The pope was captivated by his beautiful eyes, which seemed to ebb kindness and forgiveness. He could barely believe he was here, in front of Jesus, speaking to him, and learning new paths from him. "Changed. How so?"

"Well, for one, I'm God now because my father passed away some time ago. It was very sudden, quite unlike your passing."

The pope blinked twice, he had heard that rumor from the Baptists.

"I'm so sorry. Please accept my condolences"

"Oh, it was years ago. I'm well over it now. And you know, it's given me some freedom actually. Freedom to rethink my... position... on some things."

The pope had a bad thought right there. He wondered for a second if Jesus might have become a protestant. You can hold no secrets from Jesus.

"Oh no. I'm still a Jew, one God, stonings for killing chickens on Fridays, that sort of thing. Adam actually runs another fruit stand down the street, but he and Eve broke up long ago." Jesus saw the relief seep back into the pope. "I've just changed some minor things. Here comes my boyfriend now, he very much wants to meet you, and I expect you've heard a great deal about him as well. Hi, Comrade Mohammed! Big kiss! How goes the agitprop? People are one!"


Blogger Jean-Francois said...

Good job Doc. Nice post.

11:26 AM  
Blogger Herbinator said...

Distressing, and disrespectful. Bad Doc.

A church should not change and the Pope was good for maintaining consistency.

You don't like the church, join a different one. Simple.

I hate to see churches fall all over themselves for membership -- we have plenty of political parties for that.

One follows the old practices in a church because you want to, not because you have to. Your post assumes a church should change to match newer trends. I would never respect a church that did that. Of course, I probably wouldn't belong to an unchanged church either but that's a different issue.

11:54 AM  
Blogger marybishop said...

Funny post...and makes you wonder.

Best thing about the pope dying was it took the cameras off the dry-eyed family of Terri Schiavo or that would still be going on.

No church is a good church for me. I had Catholic education for years and years and it only made me hate religion more and more.

1:14 PM  
Blogger laurenbove said...

Good one doc! I'm with you. Poop on the pope. Pthhhhhhpb! (that's the raspberry.) What's with the cover up on the "death" of John Paul I, (supposedly murdered for his nontraditional beliefs) they had him in the ground the next day. This JP2 is hanging around for a week or something before he's planted?

5:06 PM  
Blogger Doc NOS said...

Hi, thanks for the comments. I've always had a fantasy that when we die the universe's secrets are revealed to us. And I think that we should steel ourselves throughout our lives for the possibility that we are completly wrong. Because we could be.

That said, I still believe that there is no god. And that beer makes one drunk. And that Bush is evil. Otherwise, I'm ready to die when I'm 90, and have everything else revealed to me.

7:46 PM  
Blogger echrai said...

*BIG BIG SMILE* Love it. I've gotta make Bking read it since his most recent post was on the "what happens after death" philosophical vein, although not with the Pope. Amusingly enough this answers his question with a twist.

At first I thought it would be sex-change, but hey, homosexuality works too. You've woven a pleasant little tale into a point that manages to embrace tolerance, secularity, and tongue in cheek. Thank you.

10:47 PM  
Blogger Geoff said...

I think you were just baiting religious folks with that post. I'm surprised you haven't gotten more "you're going to hell" comments. It's still interesting. What if the church got it all wrong?

6:44 AM  
Blogger laurenbove said...

I don't think it's baiting. If he was though...**obvious joke alert...** He'd be a master baiter.

Rather, I think Doc is airing a pretty solid belief system in which I also ascribe. The relgious folk are baiting us with the constant shoving of religion down our throats.

I believe in that which can be proved.

11:59 AM  
Blogger Doc NOS said...

A sex change would have been excellent. Jesus the chick. Or in drag. As homo commie who's dating the founder of Islam, I felt this jesus could offend the most people.

But it didn't seem to work.

5:06 PM  
Blogger marybishop said...

There was a play, Steam Room? not sure of the name but that comes to mind and Jesus was actually a Puerto Rican guy name Jesus, who passed out the towels in a steam room.

He'd go into a room with a huge computer-like machine and decide who was going to get a brain tumor and who was going to careen off the road into a tree.

Or, maybe I dreamed this...

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