Thursday, March 03, 2005


From CNN:

"Leavitt offered no comment on Bush's budget plan to cut some $40 billion from the federal-state program. But he acknowledged the difficulties to state budgets caused by rising costs that now, on average, equal the amount that states spend on K-12 education."

Not necessarily true:

In related news, Bush's Budget plan is now offering Medicare patients the option of rolling over their monthly payments into oil bonds. They can opt out of all doctor visits, and have the option of putting more money directly into oil bonds. A recent poll found that 99% of all Americans favor having more options in their health care.

The bonds have a 15 year 'blossom' policy. If attempts are made to remove the money prematurely, then all proceeds will be forfeit into the Republican Party, or the nearest accounting firm (same difference).

One may not opt out of any life extending treatment, however, which includes, but may not be limited to: continuous heart shocks to maintain life, feeding tubes, IV drips, or CPR. These methods, which have been used reliably to prevent death in the past, will now be used as a matter of course for one year upon any attempt to die. If no recovery is deemed present at that time, then death may be permitted, pending the discussion of buying estate oil bonds.

Estate Oil Bonds will be bought upon any death, in number equal to the ability to buy oil bonds. Under this plan, Americans will finally be able to die with the dignity we deserve, that some social liberals would deny to us, by allowing suicide and allowing animals to mate with our dead bodies. It is disgusting.

All oil bonds will be used. Unlike health care, which doesn't build on itself, cannot be used for anything, always hungry for more, just like an ugly crying baby that you just want to yell at when you're drunk, and believe me I've been there too Mr. President, before I found Jesus. Oil Bonds on the other hand, will grow. And will feed our children, who are more important than anything except Jesus. Because we have to concentrate on the welfare of our children.

Some of the money will be given to irresponsible states, who will probably continue to recklessly attempt highway repairs and education of citizens. As an aside, we all don't have hummers or SUVs to deal with the bumpy road of life. Those who don't should drive slow, or ride bikes. Also, it's difficult to see where education leads - no-one on MTV cribs has a college education, and believe me, it shows. Our president, who some would say is the highest person in the land, got through high school and Yale with C's. So roads and education: two generally useless things.

Some of the money will go to further the greater glory of the US of A on the battlefield of Iraq and future battle fields in other oil soaked countries and some others that Mr. Bush doesn't know about yet. Most of the money will go into business plans which will return 10% over the next 20 years. They will actually have returns of much greater than that, since they will go into buying stock of companies that make weapons, train soldiers, and pull oil from the ground. Bush and the administration will act to ensure these industries maintain at least 20% growth over the next few decades with oil bonds.

This will create much surplus. A senior administration officer said, "well, we're all saying 20% returns, but in reality, we're expecting 30. We just say 20 so we can keep 10. Did I just say that? Sorry, that's off the record. Seriously. Oh whatever, no-one reads the New York Times anyway, go ahead, you can print it, fancy boy."

The 20% gain will be reinvested, minus 10% service fees (standard in the high finance war industry). Some of the money will be 'lost,' possibly overseas, but possibly in Utah or Ohio. Some will go to support real journalists who we expect to sell our story. I mean, the story. The remainder of the money will be returned to the real owners in our ownership society, the CEOs. With this money, they will restart our economy, which was zooming along too quickly under previous administrations and required a correction. Thanks in part to this correct correction, we now are faced with a disaster that can only be remedied with more of the same. A senior administrator soldier said, "Like I tell my men, when a man is on fire, you got to fight fire with fire." Then, shaking his grizzled head sadly, "John was a good son."

In closing, let us bow our heads and take a moment to pray as Americans who respect our constitution, and who love our institutions of NASCAR, Churches, and Fox News. And freedom. Freedom to buy oil shares. Let us pray for war, which gives prosperity.


Blogger marybishop said...

You slay me..........hahahahahha

5:17 PM  
Blogger Geoff said...

Yo Doc NOS,

You're right on, generally. Nice satire. I don't know if Bush, Cheney, and company have a whole conspiracy behind them or not. It's easy to connect some of the dots and say that all their policies are strictly aimed at helping the rich. That seems to be the case to me. But sometimes I think maybe in some convoluted way, Bush thinks he is actually doing good. Maybe he has the same goal as non-right-wingers: improving the lives of most people. Could it be possible that he and the other morons in power just have a disturbingly warped way of reaching that goal?

If that's true, it's hard to claim they are part of an evil conspiracy. If they know that their actions do not improve the lives of people, and choose to follow their misdirected course, then maybe they are evil.

5:40 PM  
Blogger - Jimmyjay said...

Not that any of it is going to matter down the road. The deficit will override all concerns for the next administration. Much much more than it did for Clinton.

4:47 PM  
Blogger Doc NOS said...

I'm pretty sure Bush is evil. I doubt we'll know the full story for the next several years, but I think history will show he is evil. At least as Evil as one of my buddies from med school, Dr. Evil. He wasn't bald back then.

Anyway, you heard it here first: Bush is evil.

11:32 AM  

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