Saturday, January 01, 2005

New Year's resolutions

So I have my new year resolution: to be more engaged in my external life with Mrs. NOS.

How about you? Most resolutions seem to have something to do with health, like stopping smoking, dieting, or psychological health, like what I'm doing. We should all encourage people to stick with their resolutions. Help me. I'll need it.

Here are somethings that may help you with your resolutions.

I just heard that 2/3 of all people are obese. So probably lots of the are making new years resolutions to get thin. The solution to weight loss is easy: decrease intake and increase energy output. But for some reason that's so difficult for 2/3 of people to do. Here is something that may help: become homosexual. Gay guys are thin. They're either thin and thin or thin and built. I realized this today while shopping with Mrs. NOS in the gay ghetto. The most obese gay people are only slightly portly. Most are rail thin. If the entire country were made up of gay guys, we could probably cut health care costs by 10 percent. Especially since we'd probably have a cure for HIV.

As an aside, I hate to admit this, even to myself, but if I were gay, I'd have a very hard time of it. There's so much competition. I'm not ugly, not fat, not short. Neither am I stunning, with perfect abs, nor model tall. I dress the same now as 10 years ago, and I'm not getting any younger. I dance like a combination of a white boy named Igor and the robot from Lost in Space - thus I do not dance. So I'd be hopeless as a gay guy. I'd be a gay spinster. Good thing I'm straight. Otherwise there would be no love for me.

If you want to stop smoking - well, you're probably pretty fucked already. Very few people actually stop on their own volition. Not to psych you out, but I think it's important to know how difficult it is to quit. The failure rate is huge. If you can, this may help: move to another city and cut all relations with everyone you ever knew, especially those you once smoked with, never see your old smoking friends, never go to the places where you once smoked, never look at a billboard, never go shopping or into a 7/11, never make friends with a smoker. A lot of my med school friends smoked, but after med school, they followed this advice - and they no longer smoke. Probably works with heroin too.

Barring that, do your best. Just thinking about quitting isn't enough. You need to get into a state of mind that every puff = death. But don't just think death. Everyone dies. Medicine can't do shit for this final outcome. As a smoker, you will probably die a far worse death than a comparable non-smoker. Unless you happen to get ALS. The death of a smoker, dying of lung diseases: lung cancers, COPD, strokes, other cancers - really really sucks. Especially the lung diseases. Lying in bed, being out of breath. Constant air hunger. Constant near panic. No sleep. No rest. Like a slow drown.

Think about that. Hopefully that's scary enough.

But everyone stops smoking. Eventually.

Good luck in 2005.


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